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my chance to be happy

So I've been hooking up with someone lately and I and he initially wanted to keep it a straight up hookup only. But He kept on calling to hang out platonicly. And When I stated what he intially stated he would get pissed and say "well I was just trying to consider your feelings" My intial feelings were Don't get attatched this is nothing it will be nothing and Nothing right now is great its drama free. But as the days went on We talk everyday on aim and I see him 3 times a week. Its great. He has three kid's and I have one. And He says he will be there for me if I have his forth.It seems great He treats me and clem with kindness. And He genuinely care for me. But Yet I still feel weary to be with him. I suppose it seems too good to be true and I know he has a bad side a very angry side. But There is a side to him that I've never seen in anyone so far. except for my friends. He Doesnt critizize me or judge me on my weight or tell me I'd look better if only I lost weight. None of my exes has ever done that. I dont know I'm expecting somthing bad to happen. We were talking about the rules of this relationship and At the end he said he had a smile plastered on his face. I didnt cause I'm afraid. I dont want to get hurt. I know its a chance. But maybe I wont get hurt. I feel like he is more attatched to me then I am to him. Hes always happy when he comes here and when he leaves and when he leaves I am relieved. I know its fucked up. But Perhaps there is somthing that will really grab my attention other than the sex. I foresee me convincing myself to become attatched to him. Just like I forced myself to be attached to my last ex who wasnt my baby daddy. I'm not attached to anyone. But I'm sick and tired of seeing ppl in the street or on the train making out infront of me and me having to look away. I hope this lasts although I have a feeling this will be short lived.I know I shouldnt be talking about this cause grownups keep relationships to themselves but my girlfriend's phone isnt working. SO I figure I put it out there for someone's piece of advice. I have a feeling that I'm more inlove with the idea of being in love and being a relationship than rather acutally getting to know someone. This could also be that old saying in action "When you stop looking for (insert here) it finds you" well We shall see. Well rather I shall see I will do my best to keep the details to myself. I must learn to be a private person and keep things to myself.I think that now That I have alot of things going on in my life I might be the perfect girlfriend. I'll be focused on my school work and on raising clemy as a single parent and then a teeny tiny part of my brain will be focused on what my bf is doing.

Aesthetic Perfection

Thanks To MEntal shiver on myspace.com I have listened to an awesome Industrial band. It will make my days better. I love finding new music that doesnt remind me of chris. WEll I'm debating going out or not still even though its about to be 11pm. I want to go out but my eyes are so heavy. Plus I'd have to go dressed up really goth and TRavel alone on the train back and forth. But aleast music is helping to keep me entertained. Too bad I dont have speakers so I could clean up my room while i listen to the music.
I went out yesterday to a hiphop club in little korea. It was alright but definitly not my type.I mostly stuck to myself. But It was a distraction from myself. I got to leave my house. and talk to people.I got to smoke ciggs without guilt. I got back to being single and it was really nice.
I changed my hair and look. I still am heavy I weigh alot almost the same as my prego weight but i think I should get that in check soon. ALthough I am comfy with myself aslong as i dont look down or in a mirror.
I am in therapy now. I'm trying to get over my emotional issues with chris. I am trying to numb myself to him. So that when I see him again I wont want to jump his bones. It will take time. But I have hope that it can be acomplished. I just wish to have a block of these recurring memories of he and I together.for a few days I would talk to a picture of him and tell it/him that he should come back and take care of his daughter., that he should come back to us and be a great man/father/boyfriend to us.
Well back to me changing my hair. I was supposed to re-dye my hair blue but the store didnt have the color. So yesterday i picked up Cotton candy pink and toner and bleach. I bleached and dyed my bangs/fringe Hot pink which ppl think is fuschia or purple.I get pissed when ppl mistake it for purple cause I associate that color wiht a person that I loathe. So I thought that I would have blue hair and pink bangs but I figured that wouldnt look good.Cause what i really want to do it Have orange hair to match my sweatshirt. So what I ended up doing is bleaching my bangs liek three time and my scalp hurts real bad now and I dyed the rest of my hair jet black. Once the black and bleach was washed out I toned the bangs and hten I dried my hair and put the pink in. before that though the bangs came out grey adn I figured there is nothing that I'm going to do about that tonight so I just Left it and did what i had to do.Now my bangs are hot pink and the rest is black. its a change i needed. I painted my nails pink. I think this is a combo that isnt really scene in the cybergoth scene. But This change was well needed. So after a couple Of black dye jobs I will bleach my entire head again and then put in Napalm Orange. I'm surprised that I'm not depressed about having black hair. I look really different. I'm happy. The black makes me feel metal.and the pink is a definte attention graber. All my new "friends" were shocked by the change they were all like "but blue is who you are" "why would you change" I just needed to do somthing different.but they said that it looks good this way so yay. Oh yeah and my hair is STILL soft thanks the the dove intense damage repair shampoo and conditioner.

RAGE AGAINST MORTALITY

I DONT WANT TO DIE
I DONT WANT TO DIE
i DONT WANT RO LEAVE MY DAUGHTER ALONE IN THIS WORLD.

IAM AFRAID OF DEATH.
Omg I just got the best birthday present and it didnt cost a dime. I got the news that Chris' wife val is prego from a different man. Lol She can barely take care of her 1st child and now she is going to have a second. I mean this woman is fucking crazy. Literally more than I. I mean most of my issues steem from self esteem issues and daddy issues.But Damn this chick doesnt have a job or any money and here she is having a second kid. WTF. Lol. I mean honestly I do feel bad for her but then I think that maybe it will help her to clean up her act and not to be so lacking in the mother department. I mean yes I have issues with parenting but all my issues is that she and I share the same baby daddy as baby number one and he choose to be by her side and his son's and not by mine and our daughter. I mean I have been in his life for a total of 6 years. This shit is pissing me off. I mean, What the fuck makes her and their child so damn special and what makes me and my daughter not worthy of love and affection. And My biggest fear right now is that although he and I are still hooking up and they are technicly married in a "sham" marriage I fear that he will take her and her soon to be born child from another man in to his home in the "army". I mean I'm on birth control cause I know I cant take care of another child right now biological child anyways. I would have no problem taking care of my daughter and her big bro if chris were there to do it with me. I mean honestly I am more level head and I make the best descions for all. Like Right now I am trying to find someone to take care of my kid while I go to school. I'm going to go to a therapist because everyone should always have someone to talk to and me being without any real support I am alone in this parenting thing. The closest familly I have lives about 500 miles from me and she has her own children to look after and her husband. I mean everyone warned me. But While I was prego people were coming out of the woodwork and now that I have the kid I'm all alone and Its like if they are around its when they want to see my daughter. Alot of my friends ask about her but never stop by. Dude there are some times when I cant or dont have the energy to shower for a week. and yes its gross but now bathing and anything else has become a luxury. eating as well I havent had a real meal since Clem was one month old and I went out to a club while her father watched her for a few hours. I havent cleaned the house and I need to cause my feet get black when i walk around bare foot. In my house we are a clothing optional family. Its the way god intended. So In order to be that naked familly I need to constantly clean. Its like I cant clean because either I have run out of money and wont recieve any for the next two weeks or I'm just so exhausted or I have a migrane.I dont know where to get the energy. somtimes I let clem cry because I need a few more minutes of sleep. And I know its wrong But its hard. I'm expected to be everything to everyone and still keep up a front like I'm alright inside. Omg Ppl tell me well I have 5 or 10 children and I manage to do everything, Yeah you do cause you have help, But I bet while your kids were little you were stressed and you werent alone cause who was there to get you prego with thouse 5 and 10 kids? a man right. and you were probably lucky to have a familly to help you out. My mother is dead so there is no one that I can ask for help with or anyone that I can borrow money from when I need to.
I'm soo emotionally stressed like chris' familly thinks that im crazy cause everytime that i talk about chris and him being inadequate father i break down in tears. They think I'm simply nuts. But no this is not what I had intended. I'm pissed off that I've been dealt this hand. Its like chris' family thinks tha tI should just suck it up and deal. But I'm so enraged at the idea of them even thinking that this is ok to happen. I mean wtf this is not alright. When will the fucking cycle end. You cant blame me for constantly going back and forth on wanting chris in his daughter's life he only sees her once every two weeks na that for about two hours. Its whenever he wants to see his daughter and not when he needs to be there. My thinking is that a half assed dad is no better than no dad at all. But then I think that because I'm completly closing this door on clem and her relationship with her father before she can even decide for herself. What am I doing. Am I doing more damage than good? Will she get prego at 16 or some young age? What do I do?
I will forever be your Clementine Kruchensky and somehow you will always be my joel barish. Your leaving now. So I'm writing all these things that I have kept bottled inside simply because If I said them directly to you, You would run away as if Its a crime for me to feel that i love you. When we lay in bed and talk and cuddle and watch movies and you take care of clem. I love you. but I hate you when we argue and we always argue about everything but sex, somtimes that too. I hate that your a bad father to our daughter. I wish that you could be a better father, The best father that this innocent little girl deserves.
I love you, you dickface. Your such an idot somtimes. I wish that you could realize throughout everything that we have done throught the past that It is really great to have someone to love you. Which means I care for you and that should mean somthing. I want us to be a proper familly for our daughter

Jul. 14th, 2009

WE've been apart for two weeks and as the old saying goes time apart makes the heart goes fonder. And in my case it did. It made me long for days when i would be home with our daughter and you would come over and we would be a real familly for two small hours. Although yes it is some time it still feels like nothing. Infact it makes me want you more. I love when you come over and spend time with clem and I. I love to watch you play with our daughter as i cook or clean. It makes me want to tell you that I love you, although you already know that. I realize that our relationship is not functional but it is one that we have been having for siz years now on and off. It seems that what keeps us together is the sex. And the rare cuddling. I wish that you would live with me and clem and we could be a familly. I mean you give it to val, I want to be a familly with you and our daughter.

Today you came over and we had an argument for about 2 hours and then you called me val. I mean thats fucked up. I never called you someone else's name!!! I slammed the door so hard and it resonated in the building then i called you back up to kiss goodbye. I mean how sick is that? but thats how we work.
You said that I would hate you if we lived together, But you so easily forget I did live with you, I didnt hate you. We had issues because you were the breadwinner and I was the stay at home "wife" and when you would come home you only wanted to play videogames, and not go out. I mean atleast now I feel thatI would look at things differntly atleast for the next 4 weeks. I would have a purpose. To take care of our daughter cook and clean for all three of us and be able to cuddle up next to you at night. I miss you. I wish you were with me and clem right now.
Hopeless(echoing of hopeless).
never stop holding on to your visions and dreams even if takes ages 'cause somtimes it seems to be hopeless (echoing of hopeless).
Still hope is the key why dont you open your eyes so you could be sure to see that the message is clear.
if you havent done wrong then there is nothing to fear
as you go further on your way to reach for your aim or last attempt to make things happen. When who is to blame if you dont make it.
never stop holding on to your visions and dreams even if it takes ages 'cause sometimes it seems to be hopeless.
hopeless(echoing of hopeless)

*song is only 4mins and 38 seconds*

2nd child

ugh. I recently found myself going through some celbrity gossip website and I realized as I'm going through 89 pictures of celebrities expecting children, 1 I am pathetic for sitting here and wasting 20 mins of my life and 2 I really miss being pregnant and that I want a second child.If not now then later on when the opurtunity presents itself again with the same man.
these are my thoughts on being a single mother so far. I honestly do enjoy being a single mom. I think it is alot easier to raise my kid and mold her as a single mother than it is to raise her in a two parent household. With someone undermining my every rule and word. I mean here i think its like whatever I say goes. There is no one for my daughter to run to and say mommy is being unfair by not letting me stay up anoter hour. Or anythieng like that. Then again I know that when she becomes a teenager its going to be harder to keep track of her. But hopefully with open communication I can teach her to trust herself so I can trust her and she can be honest with me about wht her whereabouts are. I mean lookng back now on hte shildhood that I had I can now appreciate every time my mother nagged me to tell her where I am. Or I can appreciate everytime when she called my friends house to tell me to come home. She didnt do it to embarrase me or harras me its becaus she loved me soo much and she knew from her own experience that the world is a mean dangerous and scary place for a young girl. I also appreciate my mother forcing me to go to tutoring when i didnt want to or felt too embarased to ask for help in school.she did those things because she knew I needed help asnd the only reson why she knew was because she was a very involved mother. When I went to elemtary school my mother was at PTA meetings and parent/teacher confrences and All school trips. She was a very involved mom. When i was in a bad middle school my mother fought the principal and teachers to get me out of their and put me in a safer less "ghetto" enviroment. I didnt realize what she had done for me. I can only now appreciate what she had done for me because I am at a point in my life where i am mature enough to realize every annyoing thing me mom did to me wa out of love, and although she didnt explain that to me i can see it for myself now. I honestly do hope that I will be as great a mother as my mom was to me. Even with the punishments nad arguments nad evil thoughts i thought. I hope that I can protect my daughter and put her on a right path to be a better person than I emotionally/mentally and in her career path/education. I want her to see all the potential that she has and i hope that she fufills it. I do want my daughter to turn out like my older sister. She seemed to have gone down a great path, She finished college and became a teacher didnt get pregnant untill she after she was married and is now living comfortably with her husband and son. She has everything I want and now I want that for my daughter, I just hope that my older sister can guide my daughter to follow the path she did. I know there are going to be things that my daughter will not want to tell me and I hope that she can confide in my sister, and that my sister will understand and not make her feel strange.

May. 26th, 2009

So since yesterday I have been remenising about my childhood. Last night there was a familliar scent in my apt that I havent smelled since I was 15. It was a scent that I would smell when I came home from the fresh air fund friendly town camp after two weeks being spent upstate. It is a scent of being back home with my mother. I miss her alot. Its been about 4 years but I still miss her like crazy. i wish I could get her back.

Also Just now I remembered somthing that I hadnt thought of in a very long time. I remmber my mother and I eating breakfast in a diner by my apt. And us talking about death and what happens after. I was about 8 or 9 years old. I believed in reincarnation. We were talking about what my grandma and grandpa could have turned into. As we were talking to eachother there was a fly on the mirror on the wall next to our booth. I looked up and thought hey that could be my grandpa, I usually shoo insects away but this time i didnt. Then I started to talk about how great it must be to turn into somthing else and be in this world. What I mostly remember is that my mom answered all my questions. She seemed to know everything. She is my inspiration to be a single mom. My mom was sick my entire life and yet despite her sickness she managed to take care of me and show me the fun things in life. She would take me to the park and to coney island and I was able to go on rides. When she took me to the park she told me that If i wanted to earn some money for when we go to coney island I could open up a lemonade stand. In one day I made 20 dollars and to me back then seemed like alot.

Then I remember one day in the 5th grade my class was supposed to see jumanji in the theater if everyone did their book report. I did not I hated reading. I scrapped it up in a hurry and everyone knew it was half assed. My teacher made me stay in the office untill the end of the day. So I got punnished twice. I didnt get to see the movie and I didnt learn anything either. So that day it was after school and my mother always told me to meet her at the doctors clinic downt he block from my apt.