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Omg I just got the best birthday present and it didnt cost a dime. I got the news that Chris' wife val is prego from a different man. Lol She can barely take care of her 1st child and now she is going to have a second. I mean this woman is fucking crazy. Literally more than I. I mean most of my issues steem from self esteem issues and daddy issues.But Damn this chick doesnt have a job or any money and here she is having a second kid. WTF. Lol. I mean honestly I do feel bad for her but then I think that maybe it will help her to clean up her act and not to be so lacking in the mother department. I mean yes I have issues with parenting but all my issues is that she and I share the same baby daddy as baby number one and he choose to be by her side and his son's and not by mine and our daughter. I mean I have been in his life for a total of 6 years. This shit is pissing me off. I mean, What the fuck makes her and their child so damn special and what makes me and my daughter not worthy of love and affection. And My biggest fear right now is that although he and I are still hooking up and they are technicly married in a "sham" marriage I fear that he will take her and her soon to be born child from another man in to his home in the "army". I mean I'm on birth control cause I know I cant take care of another child right now biological child anyways. I would have no problem taking care of my daughter and her big bro if chris were there to do it with me. I mean honestly I am more level head and I make the best descions for all. Like Right now I am trying to find someone to take care of my kid while I go to school. I'm going to go to a therapist because everyone should always have someone to talk to and me being without any real support I am alone in this parenting thing. The closest familly I have lives about 500 miles from me and she has her own children to look after and her husband. I mean everyone warned me. But While I was prego people were coming out of the woodwork and now that I have the kid I'm all alone and Its like if they are around its when they want to see my daughter. Alot of my friends ask about her but never stop by. Dude there are some times when I cant or dont have the energy to shower for a week. and yes its gross but now bathing and anything else has become a luxury. eating as well I havent had a real meal since Clem was one month old and I went out to a club while her father watched her for a few hours. I havent cleaned the house and I need to cause my feet get black when i walk around bare foot. In my house we are a clothing optional family. Its the way god intended. So In order to be that naked familly I need to constantly clean. Its like I cant clean because either I have run out of money and wont recieve any for the next two weeks or I'm just so exhausted or I have a migrane.I dont know where to get the energy. somtimes I let clem cry because I need a few more minutes of sleep. And I know its wrong But its hard. I'm expected to be everything to everyone and still keep up a front like I'm alright inside. Omg Ppl tell me well I have 5 or 10 children and I manage to do everything, Yeah you do cause you have help, But I bet while your kids were little you were stressed and you werent alone cause who was there to get you prego with thouse 5 and 10 kids? a man right. and you were probably lucky to have a familly to help you out. My mother is dead so there is no one that I can ask for help with or anyone that I can borrow money from when I need to.
I'm soo emotionally stressed like chris' familly thinks that im crazy cause everytime that i talk about chris and him being inadequate father i break down in tears. They think I'm simply nuts. But no this is not what I had intended. I'm pissed off that I've been dealt this hand. Its like chris' family thinks tha tI should just suck it up and deal. But I'm so enraged at the idea of them even thinking that this is ok to happen. I mean wtf this is not alright. When will the fucking cycle end. You cant blame me for constantly going back and forth on wanting chris in his daughter's life he only sees her once every two weeks na that for about two hours. Its whenever he wants to see his daughter and not when he needs to be there. My thinking is that a half assed dad is no better than no dad at all. But then I think that because I'm completly closing this door on clem and her relationship with her father before she can even decide for herself. What am I doing. Am I doing more damage than good? Will she get prego at 16 or some young age? What do I do?

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