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my chance to be happy

So I've been hooking up with someone lately and I and he initially wanted to keep it a straight up hookup only. But He kept on calling to hang out platonicly. And When I stated what he intially stated he would get pissed and say "well I was just trying to consider your feelings" My intial feelings were Don't get attatched this is nothing it will be nothing and Nothing right now is great its drama free. But as the days went on We talk everyday on aim and I see him 3 times a week. Its great. He has three kid's and I have one. And He says he will be there for me if I have his forth.It seems great He treats me and clem with kindness. And He genuinely care for me. But Yet I still feel weary to be with him. I suppose it seems too good to be true and I know he has a bad side a very angry side. But There is a side to him that I've never seen in anyone so far. except for my friends. He Doesnt critizize me or judge me on my weight or tell me I'd look better if only I lost weight. None of my exes has ever done that. I dont know I'm expecting somthing bad to happen. We were talking about the rules of this relationship and At the end he said he had a smile plastered on his face. I didnt cause I'm afraid. I dont want to get hurt. I know its a chance. But maybe I wont get hurt. I feel like he is more attatched to me then I am to him. Hes always happy when he comes here and when he leaves and when he leaves I am relieved. I know its fucked up. But Perhaps there is somthing that will really grab my attention other than the sex. I foresee me convincing myself to become attatched to him. Just like I forced myself to be attached to my last ex who wasnt my baby daddy. I'm not attached to anyone. But I'm sick and tired of seeing ppl in the street or on the train making out infront of me and me having to look away. I hope this lasts although I have a feeling this will be short lived.I know I shouldnt be talking about this cause grownups keep relationships to themselves but my girlfriend's phone isnt working. SO I figure I put it out there for someone's piece of advice. I have a feeling that I'm more inlove with the idea of being in love and being a relationship than rather acutally getting to know someone. This could also be that old saying in action "When you stop looking for (insert here) it finds you" well We shall see. Well rather I shall see I will do my best to keep the details to myself. I must learn to be a private person and keep things to myself.I think that now That I have alot of things going on in my life I might be the perfect girlfriend. I'll be focused on my school work and on raising clemy as a single parent and then a teeny tiny part of my brain will be focused on what my bf is doing.

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January 2010
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