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The love for my daughter

So I am watching juno right now and I'm thinking of what jennifer garnier's character Vannesa said" I was born to be a mother" All my life I have said I dont want a boyfriend then I got one. Then I said I wont have sex and then I did and then I said Hell no to kids. But then i got pregnant and had an abortion then 3yrs later I got prego again with my daughter. I couldnt be happier to have her in my life. its the best joy. I know that I am meant to be a mom cause I cant be away from my daughter for more than two days without going loco lol. I freaking love my tangerine. She is the greatest present I have ever gotten. I love my daughter. Perhaps I am meant to be a mother. I love taking care of my daughter even when I have to change a giant nasty poopy diaper. I love seeing my daughter's facial expression when she finds somthing new to look at. I love when I'm doing my makeup infront of the computer and I turn to see my daughter and she is just staqring contently at me. It used to surprise me and now Its comforting. I love being a mother, Even when its like 2am and I'm just gettign to sleep and clem is arising for a bottle. I love her. did I mention i love her?

MY heart is closed to you forever

I'm happy and I now Realize I'm stronger than I let on. I no longer feel the need to be attached to you. I have come to realize I love living alone with our daughter. I'm actually Content. I'm not emo at all. I'm strong. No tears this time I'm done. Now I'm just running on anger. Ugh I'm too tired to continue writing off to bed with me

My First mother's day

Well I celebrated my first mother's day yesterday. I spent it with my daughter and chris and his familly. Wow It took me six years and numerous arguments as to why I should/want to meet his familly, and it also took a child. Wow I think about all those arguments now and I feel so stupid. I thought that they were going to be very different from what they really are. Its like Chri's' familly is just like my own biological familly, Loud, Overbearing and typical hispanic and love to drink. The whole event of mother's day just futher put into my mind that I want to try very hard to continue to be a single mother without my familly being involved. I mean everyone held my daughter and they awwed over her and that was great. They continued to compliment her and say how beautiful she is and its true. But its like everytime I went to the bathroom they changed her outfit by removing a piece of clothing. It kept pissing me off. But not only did they piss me off, But Val was there and that jus sent me over the edge. Aftee I saw her I started drinking wine. I only had one and a half glasses. Chris' familly told me to let it go and not to feed into it. I did let it get to me. But After that day I don't honestly care anymore. I do however feel as if they are still together and if they are great for them. I don't care really. I just want to be alone with my daughter. I spent so much time being jealous of Val and chris being together for noe reason. I came home yesterday after that ordeal and I came home wiht my child in tow to a home of calm and silence. It was inviting, I never realized how great my side of the "grass" or "fence" is untill yesteday. I have gotten used again to sleep alone without needing to spoon. I dont need anyone here and nor do I want someone here. Everyone yesterday was talking about chris going to the army and I got soo emotional, Tears ran down my face. I guess some part of me still cares and hopes that he doesnt go for fear that he will die. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom with my daughter in my arms and finish crying. I was telling god to please let me stop caring for him, because clearly he doesnt care for me, and I shouldnt waste my time. I wiped my tears and Forced myself to put up a brave front. Then the conversation turned to sex and I was livid when everyone kept on saying how they thought chris was so innocent and blah blah blah. I ws furrious, Its liek look at him. He's got two children with two different women and the children are 14 months apart. I mean how innocent can he be. Then He procceded to explain to his family that he was promiscuios. I was like yeah tell the truth. Its like I felt that he told everyone that I cheated on him soley when That wasnt the case. I was not soley to blame for us breaking up. He did his thing on the side nad I did mione. Except I was honest about it and chris had to sneak around and do it.

Well Chris took me and clem home with all the gifts and I didnt speak to him much on the train ride back. When we got to my stop he helped me and clem upstairs to the street and I said its ok I can take it from here and I started to walk away. He stopped me and asked to say goodbye to his daughter. I allowed him to do so. He wished me a goodnight and to have a happy mother's day again. and to have a good night. All I replied was by saying uh huh, I didnt try to kiss him or hug him or anything. I was strong, Mostly because No matter how "good" of a father he may act I will never forget allt he hurt he has put me through. I can't allow myself to be weak. The last time before yesterday I was weak I did ask hiim for a massage hopeing to turn it into somthing more and I'm glad it didnt. This Time I'm very proud of myself. Plus I looked good real good. I've been losing more weight and everything. My tummy is getting flatter. But I still have my spare tire which i need to get rid of but other than that I looked good. Plus I was confident. Perhaps a little bit too confident. At times I did seem a bit arrogant but then again, I havent quite learned to control what is coming out of my mouth. Well My mother's day was shitty once again but other than that I looked good yesterday and that was good.

Clem slept alone for the first time

So last night it was the first time I put clementine to sleep in her own room. I actually got to sleep it was good. THe only problem is when i started to fall asleep at 2:30am she started to wake and cry. SO I took her from her room into my room and i feed her and changed her and then we ended up falling asleep in my room and bed. Damn It sucks that I was too tired to put her in her own room. I wish I had gotten more stuff for the baby. I want a changing table for the baby and a comfy chair

liars and men

why cant people just stop lying. I wish that people would just be honest no matter how much it would hurt someone. I honestly think that I would rather know the truth about everything then be told lies. What I really dont understand is if its a small "white" lie Why not just tell the truth? Why even tell a lie that you know will start an argument?
This is simply infuriating.
Damn How I hate men. Today while i was shopping at the supermarket I was asked by the deli man behind the counter if I speak french. Basicly he saw a hot looking french girl and he wanted to "talk" to her. Meanwhile he tells me that his "wifey" has been blowing up his phone and is calling him right now and how I a Customer has to be quiet. Ha. I was soo infuriated. This makes me want to stay Single forever. I dont even want to have a fuck buddy, Simply because of all the men I have had in my life, I suppose that after I have become a mother, I want nothing to do with men at all. Not even my father. Its like even my father tells me lies which pisses me off. I cant stand it. My father tells me he is going to divorce my step mother and has been telling me this for 6 years and its never happend. Little did I know he needs her around because she has good credit and he doesn't.Men Disgust me as a whole.
All of my exes are disgusting as human beings. Somtimes physically too.

Yes so I think that being alone is best. I can no longer stand the sight of all men.

May. 4th, 2009

Sex or not to sex that is the question. i'm having a problem between my hormones nad my head. My hormones are telling me hey go get laid its ok. My head is telling me hey dont get laid its not going to be as good as you imagine. I dont have the option to have sex with the person that I want to. But I wonder if I did have the option would I take it? I'm going to assume that I wouldnt most likely for several reasons not because I dont care about him. Because i honestly dont and I tink that having sex with him when I dont care about him makes it alot easier for me not to get attached to not to be a "stalker". its just I dont feel like he is attracted to me anymore. I dk I mostly miss the spooning but I will het over that too.

Fuck you dumb as bitch shitty mother.

ugh. I hate people

Chris

Why is it that when I curse you to taste me on your lips I only curse myself. I feel you in every breath. I feel you in every summer breeze. I feel you in every erotic dream. I feel you lay beside me in my empty bed. I feel your presence everywhere and yet your still alive. There is a shadow that haunts me and I fear that it will never leave. Oh How I wish it would. I no longer wish to hold onto memories that will only bring me to tears. I no longer wish to wonder how you could turn from a wonderful man that I once loved to a decitful and hateful man that I now despise in some hours of everyday. BE gone from me. Leave my very soul so that I may be whole again. No longer searching for my other half. Let me find my other half within me.

Trust is a difficult thing for me.

Plus I'm also having issues with trying not to dream about me and chris having sex like everynight. Ugh Its been 9 weeks since I had sex. Its been since my daughter was born. When will it get easier. Its like OK I had the oppurtunity to have sex but it was odd. I couldnt cause my daughter was awake and in the same room. Plus Hes not my daughters father. I'm very weary about men being around my child. Like this friend of mine who was my sex oppurtunity was playing with my daughter and getting all close to her and I was thinking in my head get the fuck away from her. Shes not your daughter shes mine. I'm super protective about my child. I get frustrated when people try to help but they dont know what they are doing. Only I know my daughter. Its like with her dad when he saw her for two hours he didnt know what he was doing with her. At all She was crying and continued to cry really loud and he didnt think to check her diaper. Its like WTF. I was pissed cause If he would spend more time with her then maybe he would understand her cries. I want him to spend more time with his daughter but then at the same I'm afraid to leave them alone. He might hurt her. Or get frustrated and Strangle her. I'm super scared. I brought clem to see her grandfather the other day and He asked me who do I trust to watch her and I said NO one I honestly dont trust anyone. I only know my daughtet. It sucks that I have to go back to work next month and it feels like its too soon to leave her with someone. Shes soo young only 3 months. I mean I am going to miss looking at her during the day and watching her smile and giggle. Its going to be soo hard for me. I have trouble leaving her with her godmother for a day. Like Her godmother will come and pick her up and say Ill bring her back on sunday and I find myself every sat night coming to get my daughter cause I cant sleep without her or I dont know what to do with myself. I cant stand being without her. I care about her soo much. How am I ever going to find someone to watch her while I work and go to school. Damn. If Only i truly trusted someone to not harm her and I was assured that nothing bad would happen and that when they watch her they would follow my instructions. I have to work and go to school for my daughter.I want to make alot of money so I can provide for her and we can both live comfortably.

Body Issues again!!!!

Ugh I hate my post baby body. I mean my pre baby body wasnt so hot either. But Now I've got double the tummy stretch marks and MY tummy seems to be looser than it was before. I want to lose the weight but it seems that there is always somthing in my way. Like I have to clean the apt or change the baby or rock her to sleep or go to appts and then I injurged myself last week by picking up my daughter in her stroller up and down train stairs alone. My lower back hurts but I have to get over it. IT seems that the only exercise I can do right now Is Walk and I can only walk slowly.DAmn there is no way I can lose my weight right now without help. IF only her dad was here to watch her so I could exercise. But its not all my daily duties in my wa. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to eating. Like For the past couple of days I've been eating m&ms and a snickers bar. Or Like I'll eat a homeade cheese omlet and bacon with butter and toast. and water or grape juice. Its soo bad. Its like I'm back down to pre baby weight but I dont want to go back up to baby weight without a baby in my belly.
I know that If I trully have a problem with the way I look then I should change it.I feel like its really difficult to do so. Like Right now I'm supposed to be cleaning and here I am writing whats on my mind cause I have no one to talk to. I can talk to my daughter but I dont want her to feel as badly as I do about my body. I want her to be self confident. I dont want to transfer my body issues on her.